


As transient as a fleeting cloud

by sanctuses



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: (i dont know if its heavy), Angst, Denial of Feelings, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Ritsu's Abandonment Issues: The Fanfiction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 15:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13251225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuses/pseuds/sanctuses
Summary: (1) 过眼云烟 guo yan yun yan(idiom) as transient as a fleeting cloud ; impermanentIzumi unintentionally repaired the hole in Ritsu’s heart, and Ritsu wanted to hold onto him forever.But all things will pass.





	As transient as a fleeting cloud

Izumi unintentionally repaired the hole in Ritsu’s heart, and Ritsu wanted to hold onto him forever.

But all things will pass.

—

Ritsu didn’t like getting involved with people. That’s a well-known fact. 

Mao often lectured him on that. “You can’t always be sticking with me! You need to make friends with other people!” 

Ritsu always brushed him off— everyone else was just so boring, and they would all tangle him up in their messy emotions. It wasn’t worth the trouble.

That’s how he always felt, at least.

“I don’t really get it, but don’t talk if it’s too hard! Just be good right now… Kuma-kun?”

Something in his world changed when he heard those words.

He felt a wave of warmth overwhelm him, and a spark lit up somewhere he couldn’t pinpoint. It was an indescribable feeling, which made him feel _alive_. That momentary sensation nested itself in his tightening chest and took root.

Dazed by the unfamiliar emotion, he let himself get swept up by the flow and ended up getting himself involved with a strange bunch of schoolmates. Ritsu didn’t understand why he didn’t find it as much of a pain as he usually would’ve. But ever since he experienced that emotion, nothing really felt so simple anymore.

He didn’t know what it was about the blue-eyed boy that struck a chord with him. Maybe it was the way he hid his concern for the “king” behind a facade of dishonesty. Maybe it was the way he stubbornly refused to give up after setting a goal for himself. Maybe it was his supposed tough exterior which in actuality was nothing but a farce to help strengthen those he cared about. Whatever it was, he felt unnaturally drawn to him, and he felt like he was experiencing life differently whenever he was near.

That's why when Ritsu joined Knights, Mao was overjoyed that Ritsu finally found other people to take care of him. Ritsu didn’t really care, but he was happy that Mao was happy. No matter how little people thought he cared, he did always feel nervous about being a burden to Mao. 

As an act of desperation, he often liked to call the relationship he and Mao had as “love”, just so they’ll be tied down to each other, and Mao never got uncomfortable with his over-affection either. It wasn’t actually true love, but he’d never be able to get rid of the anxiety that Mao would leave him just like his anija did. And now that anxiety had expanded to apply to everyone else he’d gotten involved with.  
  
He casually ignored that fact.

— 

Ritsu wasn’t one for sentimentality. Emotions were nothing but a burden to him, and he detested how it could swallow people whole and consume them to become nothing but a broken mess. Maybe he detested it so much because of what it did to him since he experienced nothing but apathy and emptiness ever since Rei left. 

He didn’t know what to do about it, and he would trade the world to find out how to repair his heart.  
  
But ever since that day, he felt things again. He felt more exhilarated, more satisfied, more alive. The hole in his heart had finally been mended, and he felt complete for the first time in years. The sensation was like nothing he had felt before — he supposed that people would never be able to appreciate what they take for granted until they lose it. The owner of those cerulean eyes that reshaped his world gave him a thirst for the other, an itching feeling that he just wanted to be with him, that he _had_ to be with him.

He couldn’t live without that sensation anymore. 

Losing it once was one thing, but getting to experience it again was a privilege. It was a privilege he did not want to let go of, and that he would make sure not to lose at all costs.

Frankly, Mao was wrong about his reason for not wanting to associate with people — it was only half-true that he considered it a pain, but the real reason was that he’d get attached too easily and make himself vulnerable to getting abandoned again.

Again, just like how Rei left him so coldly despite promising him he’d stay forever.

Ritsu clicked his tongue. Whenever he thought about Rei, he’d feel something heavy pooling in his stomach and experience the same bitterness he resents so much.

There was only one way for him to calm down and negate the pain he felt, and that was to think about a certain special person.

Sena Izumi.

 _The name had such a nice ring to it_ , Ritsu mused. Every now and then, he’d just zone off, thinking about him and his tousled grey hair — the fruits of his hard work and effort every morning, his perfectly carved face befitting of the model, and his striking cerulean eyes that hid truths most didn’t bother to look into.

It’d been a year since then, and while Izumi would never admit it, Ritsu knew he cared a lot about their unit.

Izumi often denied the truth out of embarrassment or to create a facade of apathy, which Ritsu found cute. 

At the very least, it was a cute effort to someone who truly felt nothing for more than half of their life.

Ritsu grew addicted to the feeling. It wasn’t something he understood or could put a name to. It was something that he couldn’t get enough of and made him feel empty every moment he wasn’t with Izumi. He couldn’t be satiated, and every moment spent with him ended far too quickly.

He let the emotion consume him just the way he hated. It wrapped tight around his bones, wrenched itself into his heart and tore it open, but he felt happy. Nothing could compare to it anymore.

As long as he could have this feeling forever, nothing else mattered. Not even his own values, his logic, or his rationality.

That’s when a new emotion surfaced in him; self-loathing.

—

The one time Ritsu managed to bring himself to be early for practice so he could see Izumi, Izumi wasn’t there. Nobody was, actually. It was sickeningly quiet. A quick scan of the room was all he needed to know that someone had opened the room and set it up already, only to leave. He didn’t need to use elimination to know that it was Izumi — only he and Tsukasa would bother to come early, and Tsukasa had an event to participate in along with his class. Ritsu wasn’t exactly excited for Arashi or Leo to come either. Arashi would just complain about his failing attempts to woo Kunugi-sensei, which everyone said was something he should just give up on but he remained adamant over. And Leo… Leo would be entertaining to be with since even the most gloomy person would end up beaming the whole day after being infected by Leo’s positivity. He was their “Ousama” for a reason after all. But he only turned up so much... The chances of him being in the school were less than 10%.

Ritsu, decidedly bored, shuffled over to the piano, and let his fingers glide over the ivory keys so naturally, it was as if he’d been playing ever since he was born.

Not that that was inaccurate. His parents signed him and his brother up for music classes when they were both young, and that was when he realized his affinity for the piano. 

The piano was the only form of solace he had in his times of loneliness and hurt — he would play and play for hours on end, letting his pain out with every note he played. It helped a lot more than he expected, and letting him realize his talent with the piano was one of the things he was most grateful to his parents for. Frankly, it was the only thing that kept him going.

Whenever he felt upset, he’d play the piano. Whenever anything bad happened, he’d play the piano. Whenever he had no hope, he’d play the piano. It was an instinctive action at this point — just playing the piano whenever he felt any sort of negative emotion. However, he played so confidently, that even if it was absentminded, it still provided a lovely medley of songs for himself to feel more at ease with.

No matter how much it helped him get rid of the negative emotions, however, it would always come rushing back like a storm, and he could never really feel genuinely happy.

Ritsu always tuned out his surroundings whenever he played, and would only ever stop if his hands started to get sore or if his sleepiness overtook him. Which was the latter, in this case. He stopped the song abruptly to yawn and stretch a little before he turned around to see Izumi looking rather jarred by the sudden stop as well.

“Oh, Secchan… I didn’t know you were here,” Ritsu always felt unpleasantly exposed after realising that someone was listening to him play the piano — or de-stress, in which was the same thing — since it was the same as having someone who wasn’t yourself watch you pour out your emotions. He knew that was never any of their intentions, but that didn’t stop him from feeling like he had been laid bare. 

Izumi hesitated for a split second, his eyes seemingly glowing under the dim lighting in the room. It only then occurred to Ritsu that he had forgotten to switch on the other lights, but the dimmer the better, right? 

How much time had passed since he started playing anyway….

“Haa…. I can’t believe Ousama and Naru-kun ditched…” Izumi sighed in his usual exasperated tone. Izumi didn’t look Ritsu in the eye, perhaps embarrassed at being seen watching Ritsu play the piano so intently. Not just that, but Izumi didn’t exactly know how to act around Ritsu either, who was an enigma to him for the most part — he was seemingly distant and aloof, but in truth, he was a lot more observant than one would take him to be. To Izumi, Ritsu was essentially the definition of “there is more to them than what meets the eye”. 

Ritsu figured Izumi thought like that. It wouldn’t be out of character anyway. After a year of long and tedious observation, Ritsu felt like he knew Izumi better than he knew himself. He acted tough but always kept a stone cold exterior, and Ritsu found that one of the most endearing things about him.

Ritsu and Izumi left the room shortly after — the school was going to close and no matter how tired Ritsu was, he’d much rather sleep in his comfortable futon as opposed to on that tiny, cramped coffin Rei got for him. Couldn’t that stupid anija do anything right? That coffin was insanely uncomfortable and impossible to turn in. 

His blood boiled as he continued to think about Rei, first starting with his petty anger towards the older, and heading down a slippery slope to the happy memories he spent with his brother wrenching themselves into his head, seemingly taunting him over the disparity of the situation. Bile rose up his throat and his palms grew clammy, and mixed feelings of bitterness, agony and fury washed over him. He gasped for air a little, choking back the tears that threatened to flow out, and then he heard a voice. The voice that made everything okay and that he could always depend on to calm him down and soothe his damaged emotions. 

“Kuma-kun, are you okay?” The voice reflected worry and a tinge of other undetectable emotions, but that was enough. Ritsu could barely choke out an “I’m fine..” They stayed in silence for the next few minutes and the feeling that all he needed was Izumi to rid himself of all the painful things strengthened. He felt undefeatable, and he let himself get lost in Izumi’s scent as he clutched Izumi’s shoulders tightly and pulled him close.

Yes. This was all he needed. 

_If only things would stay like this forever._

— 

It was a day with nice weather, Ritsu vaguely recalled. The skies were the perfect balance of cloudy and clear, and the breeze was heavenly, blowing through the window when abruptly, he thought of confessing.  
  
The thought jarred him since what he felt for Izumi couldn’t be love — Izumi unintentionally gave him solace and comfort, and that was fine, but what he felt for Izumi wasn’t love. This wasn’t love. Not that he really knew what love was, anyway. But at the very least, he thought he had a rough idea. _You shouldn’t feel self-loathing at yourself for being in love, right? Love was just a pure and beautiful emotion, right? If that’s what love is, what I feel towards Izumi can’t possibly be love._ Love was… Something else. Something he didn’t know of, and something he didn’t expect to know much about anyway. 

Ritsu thought he was rather well-versed in the ways of the world, unlike their naive king who was far too innocent for the rough world ahead. Ritsu didn’t think he was gullible and trusting in the least, usually being careful and cautious, and he was proud of that. He didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, he always kept it hidden, excluding one special case — Sena Izumi.  

He didn’t know why he trusted Izumi so much but it must have been that inexplicably pleasant feeling he had when they first met that was robbing him of his usual cold hard logic. He was being a hypocrite to his own values by drinking in that sweet emotion that got him so high and above the clouds. But he didn’t really care. Since, as long as all things stay the same, everything will be fine. Izumi wasn’t a bad person and wouldn’t turn his back on him and leave him all alone. He knew that Izumi would never do that. He didn’t promise anything, but it's not like Ritsu trusted promises anymore anyway.

Hence, Ritsu didn’t need to confess. All he needed was Izumi, and Izumi wouldn’t leave.

He just knew he wouldn’t.

—

He would’ve been overjoyed to see Leo come to school had it been in any other context.

“Ousama… You and Secchan are… dating.. now?” 

“Yep!! Actually, Sena told me not to tell anyone else, but he said that if it were you, it would be okay ☆” His peridot eyes sparkled, and he was radiating more happiness than usual, and Ritsu would’ve normally been happy to be around him, had he not suddenly felt a strangely familiar bitter sensation rising up and giving him a sudden need to puke. “Um… I’m sorry. Give me a moment,” Ritsu felt himself go pale and rushed to the toilet, leaving behind a worried and confused Leo. 

Ritsu didn’t throw up, but he felt like hell anyway.

Was this considered as Izumi leaving? He was only going to be Ousama’s, that was fine, right? Izumi wasn’t leaving on purpose like Rei did, Izumi wasn’t going to leave him broken again, Izumi wouldn’t do this to him, Izumi wouldn’t be leaving, Izumi was still his solace and comfort, Izumi,  
  
“ _It's not like I had loved Izumi or anything.”_

And that's when Ritsu suddenly realised his mistake.

All the happy, and soft emotions Ritsu felt turned dark in an instant. The warmth and comfort he had felt morphed into cold and oppressive despair and the emotions suffocated him as if it were a snake coiling around its prey, not letting him go and consuming him whole. Tears slid down his face as he bit his lips in order to keep from screaming out in agony.

_Again._

The fear and terror of knowing that the incredibly lucky privilege of getting his happiness back was taken, no, _stolen_ , and that he’d never be able to feel so happy and invulnerable again, that he’d have to suffer and be lonely and that be all alone in the darkness all over again. He’d have to rely on Mao with that superficial love he used to tie him down out of fear — why didn’t he do that with Izumi, he wondered? — who had already found people he cared more about than Ritsu, he’d have to feel nothing but cold resentment and be left broken once again by his foolish emotions. 

If only he hadn’t been in denial and had not taken things for granted — “You only appreciate the things you take for granted when they’re lost”, a lesson he had to learn the hard way twice.

He couldn’t even blame Izumi since it was his inactivity that caused him to drift off— he basically broke himself thanks to his naïveté. Izumi probably would remain oblivious to his feelings until the end, and it was all because he refused to acknowledge his feelings. The self-loathing that sprouted in Ritsu only started growing more and more — He was sure it would eventually consume him again just like his emotions and spit out nothing but his broken spirit. There was nothing he hated more in the world — not even Rei — than having to suffer that pain, and he always ended up causing his own despair no matter how hard he tried.

As he continued to sob in the toilet stall as his lips tore and bled, he learnt the most excruciating truth of them all.

“All things will pass.”

**Author's Note:**

> huhu i hope you enjoyed/ cried/suffered Ritsu's Abandonment Issues: The Fanfiction(TM)  
> huge thanks to emi for beta-ing for me (you're great at it thank you) and the rtiz center for the ideas ++ cherry, this angst is your fault i hope you relish the pain
> 
> writing this hurt me and i feel super sorry for ritsu but i guess he had it coming since his pajama 5* just Wont Come Home so now he can suffer for being a cuck. in all seriousness though, i hope you liked the fic, and tysm for reading!! :)


End file.
